“It’s always hard when people take advantage of your vulnerability”.
I think people take advantage of me 24 hours a day. I try and be the good person by letting people get away with things and just having a little faith in others, you know? Giving people the benefit of the doubt, not jumping to conclusions. Just letting someone smile or have a good time. Help them forget about the ugliness in the world and the stupidity of others.
But in the end, I still get walked all over. I may be tough skinned and yes, I can take it. But eventually it just gets old and exhausting and everytime, I loose a little more trust in the people around me.
Just because I seem like the kind of person that isn't bothered by these kinds of things doesn't mean I actually am. I don’t particularly like to whine, but it really does hurt, you know? More than you'd possibly care to imagine.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
I'm Stronger Than This.
I mean, I think I'm happy. It's hard to say. I constantly find myself in a state of denial. Well, I mean, I did up until yesterday morning.
Alarm goes off, sun shining through the wooden slats in my blinds and Monday morning rush to work about to begin... and then the crashing reminders of the weekend, the weed, the beer, the sin, and I find myself damn near paralysed in bed, unable to find a single reason to get up and just thinking to myself, "What the hell am I doing?"
It's just not fun anymore. It's not the act itself that bothers me though, it's the reasons why.
In the simpliest terms, it's because human is the only being that knows it's alone. It would be nice to not know. It would be nicer if independence, not company, was enforced. Because that’s really the only reason why we know or understand anything. Because they told us so.
It’s comforting to know that because I’m so young, I really don’t have anything to worry about. I understand that I have plenty of time, the whole world is ahead of me, blah blah blah. But does that really take away how I feel today? It used to be so much easier before, even six months ago, I could always roll with the punches. I didn’t let anything get to me. I didn’t let anyone get to me. I was always able to shrug off anything that was thrown my way and smile my way through anything. But to tell you the truth, it’s getting harder now.
Shit, I hate admitting it.
Alarm goes off, sun shining through the wooden slats in my blinds and Monday morning rush to work about to begin... and then the crashing reminders of the weekend, the weed, the beer, the sin, and I find myself damn near paralysed in bed, unable to find a single reason to get up and just thinking to myself, "What the hell am I doing?"
It's just not fun anymore. It's not the act itself that bothers me though, it's the reasons why.
In the simpliest terms, it's because human is the only being that knows it's alone. It would be nice to not know. It would be nicer if independence, not company, was enforced. Because that’s really the only reason why we know or understand anything. Because they told us so.
It’s comforting to know that because I’m so young, I really don’t have anything to worry about. I understand that I have plenty of time, the whole world is ahead of me, blah blah blah. But does that really take away how I feel today? It used to be so much easier before, even six months ago, I could always roll with the punches. I didn’t let anything get to me. I didn’t let anyone get to me. I was always able to shrug off anything that was thrown my way and smile my way through anything. But to tell you the truth, it’s getting harder now.
Shit, I hate admitting it.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Nine Twenty-two.
I think it's kind of funny when people tell me to change.
On a daily basis, I have people who tell me to get my driver's lisence, ask me if I'm ever going to cut my hair, or why don't I wear my hair differently? Why don't I wear more make-up? Why don't I wear more dresses?
I mean Jesus fucking Christ, have I ever told you to change? No.
Learn to adapt.
But I mean, the funniest thing about it, is that I'm like the only person I know that actually likes who they are.
On a daily basis, I have people who tell me to get my driver's lisence, ask me if I'm ever going to cut my hair, or why don't I wear my hair differently? Why don't I wear more make-up? Why don't I wear more dresses?
I mean Jesus fucking Christ, have I ever told you to change? No.
Learn to adapt.
But I mean, the funniest thing about it, is that I'm like the only person I know that actually likes who they are.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Oh My Friend Lonliness.
I'm not scared. Not technically. I'm not sure what I am.
This would be the first time I have spent more than ten minutes alone in my new apartment. I can't describe to you how it makes me feel, because it is something that I haven't experienced before. It's not a feeling I'm used to. I decided to put music on, not because the apartment is scary or eerie, but just because music always tends to bring a slight sense of a presence.
I don't really think I have generally been a very independant person before. I mean, I have always had my own opinions, and acted, dressed, spoke, danced and understood everything the way I want. I don't have a problem with having to deal with situations on my own, and I always listen to myself before I listen to others. I prefer to figure things out for myself and not let other people's opinions effect my own. But I mean, when it comes to being around people - I always have been. I grew up with a brother and a sister. My mum was there for a while, but Dad always has been. Now I'm in the deep end, and I'm not going to let myself drown, but I suppose I can find myself struggling at times. I'm not sure I like being on my own sometimes. I think that I'm just the kind of person who needs to be around people, or talking to people, or even electronically communicating with people. Not all the time, no. But more often than not.
I guess it's just like a skill,
or perhaps even something I suppose I'll just have to start getting used to.
This would be the first time I have spent more than ten minutes alone in my new apartment. I can't describe to you how it makes me feel, because it is something that I haven't experienced before. It's not a feeling I'm used to. I decided to put music on, not because the apartment is scary or eerie, but just because music always tends to bring a slight sense of a presence.
I don't really think I have generally been a very independant person before. I mean, I have always had my own opinions, and acted, dressed, spoke, danced and understood everything the way I want. I don't have a problem with having to deal with situations on my own, and I always listen to myself before I listen to others. I prefer to figure things out for myself and not let other people's opinions effect my own. But I mean, when it comes to being around people - I always have been. I grew up with a brother and a sister. My mum was there for a while, but Dad always has been. Now I'm in the deep end, and I'm not going to let myself drown, but I suppose I can find myself struggling at times. I'm not sure I like being on my own sometimes. I think that I'm just the kind of person who needs to be around people, or talking to people, or even electronically communicating with people. Not all the time, no. But more often than not.
I guess it's just like a skill,
or perhaps even something I suppose I'll just have to start getting used to.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Parkville Killed my Friend.
You were almost imaginary,
I think.
A soccer ball rolled over to my feet,
I looked up and saw you. Two years older than me.
Our adventures were short,
quicker than most;
But the strongest friendship I'll know.
Radio stations from the rooftop,
volume louder than ever.
Walk down the street, further, further,
Can you still hear it as clear as before?
I don't remember tears,
but I knew all your fears.
And I sheilded you the best that I could.
"For Sale" the sign said,
"I'm sorry" you said.
A book full of greif,
A kiss on the cheek,
and two years without a word.
I cried this time,
and I promise that I tried,
But only your chemicals know where you are now.
I think.
A soccer ball rolled over to my feet,
I looked up and saw you. Two years older than me.
Our adventures were short,
quicker than most;
But the strongest friendship I'll know.
Radio stations from the rooftop,
volume louder than ever.
Walk down the street, further, further,
Can you still hear it as clear as before?
I don't remember tears,
but I knew all your fears.
And I sheilded you the best that I could.
"For Sale" the sign said,
"I'm sorry" you said.
A book full of greif,
A kiss on the cheek,
and two years without a word.
I cried this time,
and I promise that I tried,
But only your chemicals know where you are now.
And You Don't Know The Half of It.
I felt like I had to get to know you.
And I'd regret now it if I didn't.
I knocked on your door only hours after it had happened;
You hadn't even cried yet.
It quickly became swingsets after dark,
midnight golf games and streetlamps;
"I'll meet you on the corner"
Trading cigarettes in the back of someone's truck,
Somehow we never ran out.
And that night where it all fell apart,
we told him not to be afraid. And he wasn't anymore.
Together we picked up the peices,
and sat in the driveway all night.
You're important to me, he said.
You're important to me, I replied.
And we hugged, and danced at the Centre.
And I'd regret now it if I didn't.
I knocked on your door only hours after it had happened;
You hadn't even cried yet.
It quickly became swingsets after dark,
midnight golf games and streetlamps;
"I'll meet you on the corner"
Trading cigarettes in the back of someone's truck,
Somehow we never ran out.
And that night where it all fell apart,
we told him not to be afraid. And he wasn't anymore.
Together we picked up the peices,
and sat in the driveway all night.
You're important to me, he said.
You're important to me, I replied.
And we hugged, and danced at the Centre.
That Was All We Had.
I remember you.
I think I'm the only one between us two who remembers.
Bus shelter runaways, late night candle light,
Fast food junkies, a smoker in an alleyway.
Quick, we'd say. We don't have much time.
Wear out our souls, duct tape to fix,
Chaos followed me home.
Beer in an empty grand stand,
Scale a fence; break an ankle.
Train tracks to nowhere,
for three days we were lost.
I don't remember how we stayed awake,
but I remember every word you said.
I'd never seen you cry before,
and the music drowned you out.
You made me promise,
I gave you my word,
And I miss you every day.
I think I'm the only one between us two who remembers.
Bus shelter runaways, late night candle light,
Fast food junkies, a smoker in an alleyway.
Quick, we'd say. We don't have much time.
Wear out our souls, duct tape to fix,
Chaos followed me home.
Beer in an empty grand stand,
Scale a fence; break an ankle.
Train tracks to nowhere,
for three days we were lost.
I don't remember how we stayed awake,
but I remember every word you said.
I'd never seen you cry before,
and the music drowned you out.
You made me promise,
I gave you my word,
And I miss you every day.
Three Stories Higher.
My entire life will change tomorrow.
Everyone keeps asking if I'm excited. I've thought alot about it, and truthfully - not really. I think "scared" is a better way to put it. I mean, everytime I start to feel scared I remind myself to stop being such a baby and just grow up. I'm nineteen years old now, I've been working full-time for almost two years. My family's financial issues have hit the fan and it's time for me to go.
I think that the hardest thing about saying goodbye to my house, besides leaving my family, is because I'm leaving the house where I swear I can still feel my Mum's spirit. The couch where she passed, the kitchen where she cooked, the books that she read. It was over five years ago now, and I have learnt to become content with the whole thing. But the thought of leaving the place where those memories happened - leaving the rooms and items that keep those memories so vivid. That's what scares me.
But it's the right time. You can't always make everybody happy.
My entire life will change tomorrow. I get one last sleep in the house that changed my life last time.
Everyone keeps asking if I'm excited. I've thought alot about it, and truthfully - not really. I think "scared" is a better way to put it. I mean, everytime I start to feel scared I remind myself to stop being such a baby and just grow up. I'm nineteen years old now, I've been working full-time for almost two years. My family's financial issues have hit the fan and it's time for me to go.
I think that the hardest thing about saying goodbye to my house, besides leaving my family, is because I'm leaving the house where I swear I can still feel my Mum's spirit. The couch where she passed, the kitchen where she cooked, the books that she read. It was over five years ago now, and I have learnt to become content with the whole thing. But the thought of leaving the place where those memories happened - leaving the rooms and items that keep those memories so vivid. That's what scares me.
But it's the right time. You can't always make everybody happy.
My entire life will change tomorrow. I get one last sleep in the house that changed my life last time.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Holography.
A friend told me today that he doesn't think he will ever be happy again.
It kind of makes me mad when people say things like that. It's usually people who haven't been through too much in their lives - and I'm not putting that down or anything because if they haven't experienced worse, then they simply don't know worse. And there is nothing wrong about that.
But the truth is that these people just don't realise what they have. They're too caught up in this crazy, insane idea of what they think that they want. They're so blinded by trying to reach for something more, something different, something exciting that they look past what they have now. Sometimes what you think you want at the time is not really what you need. And what you need is right in front of you.
I think you really need to be concious of what you have. Otherwise by the time you get back from your adventurous spiral of trying to find something better, you may just find that what you had all along was all you really needed.
It kind of makes me mad when people say things like that. It's usually people who haven't been through too much in their lives - and I'm not putting that down or anything because if they haven't experienced worse, then they simply don't know worse. And there is nothing wrong about that.
But the truth is that these people just don't realise what they have. They're too caught up in this crazy, insane idea of what they think that they want. They're so blinded by trying to reach for something more, something different, something exciting that they look past what they have now. Sometimes what you think you want at the time is not really what you need. And what you need is right in front of you.
I think you really need to be concious of what you have. Otherwise by the time you get back from your adventurous spiral of trying to find something better, you may just find that what you had all along was all you really needed.
2010: Hurry the fuck up.
I'm sick of 2009.
It's getting me nowhere.
(and life is too short to waste it on sheer hope)
It's getting me nowhere.
(and life is too short to waste it on sheer hope)
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Two Different Corners of My Mind.
The things I usually find funny, nobody else does.
For example, I love the show Flight of the Conchords. It already has a kind of cult-following because it's very specific kind of humor. Sometimes I find it hard to believe they even have international success, outside of New Zealand and Australia because their humor is very Wellington, which Australians tend to catch onto. But success in the United States and United Kingdom? That's like Colin Lane and Frank Woodley doing stand-up comedy in the Netherlands or something.
What I mean by 'The things I usually find funny, nobody else does' is that I always find myself laughing during scenes of Flight of the Conchords (for example) that everyone else just kind of nods along to. The more witty, genius side of the comedy rather than the obvious jokes.
I'm not one for jokes. I don't find jokes laugh-out-loud funny. If you tell me a joke, I'll probably just smile and say "That's clever" rather than have to hold my sides and bite my tounge to stop myself from laughing up a lung or something like the person telling the joke.
I was just thinking about that. So I thought I'd write it down.
I know that this isn't exactly touching on the kinds of things that I normally write about in this blog, but I don't care. Just like the person that I am, this blog doesn't have a theme, a stereotype or any kind of flow whatsoever. It's just a place where I can gather my thoughts sometimes. Usually read back over on the odd occasion and wish I could delete like several pages of my coming-of-age diaries and journals during my teenage years.
But I don't really believe in tearing out pages or deleting posts. The contents may not bring back happy memories, and may even be embarressing at times. But so is life. You can't erase the past. You can't chop out a memory, or twist or shape them. You can't stop remembering. So I don't try to.
I just went from light-hearted to deep-thoughts in 7 minutes. It's a talent.
For example, I love the show Flight of the Conchords. It already has a kind of cult-following because it's very specific kind of humor. Sometimes I find it hard to believe they even have international success, outside of New Zealand and Australia because their humor is very Wellington, which Australians tend to catch onto. But success in the United States and United Kingdom? That's like Colin Lane and Frank Woodley doing stand-up comedy in the Netherlands or something.
What I mean by 'The things I usually find funny, nobody else does' is that I always find myself laughing during scenes of Flight of the Conchords (for example) that everyone else just kind of nods along to. The more witty, genius side of the comedy rather than the obvious jokes.
I'm not one for jokes. I don't find jokes laugh-out-loud funny. If you tell me a joke, I'll probably just smile and say "That's clever" rather than have to hold my sides and bite my tounge to stop myself from laughing up a lung or something like the person telling the joke.
I was just thinking about that. So I thought I'd write it down.
I know that this isn't exactly touching on the kinds of things that I normally write about in this blog, but I don't care. Just like the person that I am, this blog doesn't have a theme, a stereotype or any kind of flow whatsoever. It's just a place where I can gather my thoughts sometimes. Usually read back over on the odd occasion and wish I could delete like several pages of my coming-of-age diaries and journals during my teenage years.
But I don't really believe in tearing out pages or deleting posts. The contents may not bring back happy memories, and may even be embarressing at times. But so is life. You can't erase the past. You can't chop out a memory, or twist or shape them. You can't stop remembering. So I don't try to.
I just went from light-hearted to deep-thoughts in 7 minutes. It's a talent.
Monday, October 26, 2009
I Never Really Thought Myself Much of a Hunter.
Sometimes I feel kind of lonely. It's strange sometimes on your own. There's nobody to catch you, you know what I mean?
But I mean, sometimes it's better like this. There's nobody to catch you. You learn the hard way. You learn to look after yourself, to grow up. You're free and it's liberating and it's exciting and it makes you feel like anything could happen. It's nerve-racking in an amazing way when you literally have no idea what could happen next. But it's lonely.
This is just how I feel. Today, I mean. Tomorrow might be different. I might be at the bottom of the mud or at the top of a mountain.
But at least I know tomorrow I will be one step closer to whatever it is that I'm looking for in this wide open world. You don't know what that is yet, and I sure as hell don't know what that is yet. But I'm ready to start the chase, today.
But I mean, sometimes it's better like this. There's nobody to catch you. You learn the hard way. You learn to look after yourself, to grow up. You're free and it's liberating and it's exciting and it makes you feel like anything could happen. It's nerve-racking in an amazing way when you literally have no idea what could happen next. But it's lonely.
This is just how I feel. Today, I mean. Tomorrow might be different. I might be at the bottom of the mud or at the top of a mountain.
But at least I know tomorrow I will be one step closer to whatever it is that I'm looking for in this wide open world. You don't know what that is yet, and I sure as hell don't know what that is yet. But I'm ready to start the chase, today.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Yet Another Failure.
It’s funny when you meet someone, and at first, you think they’re great. They’re interesting, funny, confident, exciting. You can see yourself with this person. You can imagine yourself going to dinner with this person, or watching movies with this person, talking over coffee with this person. At first, when you meet them, they seem perfect.
Until, of course, you actually go and spend some actual time with the person and find out that you’re trapped in a Japanese restaurant eating raw fish and white wine made from fermented rice with somebody you have absolutely nothing in common with.
Oh the joys of dating.
Until, of course, you actually go and spend some actual time with the person and find out that you’re trapped in a Japanese restaurant eating raw fish and white wine made from fermented rice with somebody you have absolutely nothing in common with.
Oh the joys of dating.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
General Ramblings.
I couldn't possibly know where to begin today.
I'm solely writing for the sake of writing. I just turned off my television so I could think better. I'm now sitting in my room listening to the low hum of my laptop and my sister singing faintly in the distance. It's 10:27pm, dark and cold outside. I've been meaning to get a jumper for quite some time now, but the motivation isn't there.
It's terrible to think that I need motivation to stand up, walk to my cupboard and get out any old jumper so I don't sit here shivering in front of my open window, isn't it?
I cleaned my room yesterday, which actually gave me a strangely liberating feeling once I was finished. I took most of the posters off my wall and put most of my strange useless objects away in the cupboard. I never realise how many little nick-knacks I've managed to accumulate over my nineteen years. Things people have given me, little figurines from my childhood, burnt out candles from times best left in the past, coins from countries I've never visited, stickers and pamphlets from restaurants and concerts I've never been to or attended. These are the kind of things I've managed to hoard and for some reason, kept.
I can't for the life of me remember where I found some of these things, but I really am the person who collects and keeps things "just in case".
I decided to un-clutter my room at an attempt to un-clutter my life. It's not at all like my life is too cluttered, even. I just felt like some kind of refreshment.
I like the cold sometimes, because it feels much fresher than the heat. I don't like being cold, but I don't mind the cold. I'm not sure how that is supposed to make any sense, either.
I've had the same bed and mattress since I was old enough to be moved out of a cot. I'm not sure if that's comforting or worrying anymore. I think I'm the only person who can sleep in my bed. I think the springs have simultaneously moulded to my body over the years.
I need a new bed.
Speaking of motivation earlier, I have this list in my mind that I have been adding to for quite some time now. It's a "To-Do" list of all these things I need to get done. It's simple things like return DVDs (three or four weeks overdue by this point), return library books (three or four months overdue by this point), get my license (three or four years overdue by this point). I'm not sure why I don't get get out there and do these things so I can relax about them and finally cross them off my imaginary list.
Perhaps I should actually make a list on paper.
On weekends, I never seem to get into bed before 3am. Even if I don't go out, I always manage to stay up past 3am by choice. It's just something about that time where it's dead quiet. Nobody is awake besides me and I walk out onto the street, stand in the middle of the road, even just in front of my house, and just take some time to think.
Standing alone in the street past 3am. Nothing but the sound of possums rustling in the trees or the street light flickering. It would seem like you would be more than insignificant, and even perhaps a little depressing. But I would say it's the only time where I feel like I fit somewhere in this obscene world we have created ourselves.
But you'd think the opposite, really.
I'm solely writing for the sake of writing. I just turned off my television so I could think better. I'm now sitting in my room listening to the low hum of my laptop and my sister singing faintly in the distance. It's 10:27pm, dark and cold outside. I've been meaning to get a jumper for quite some time now, but the motivation isn't there.
It's terrible to think that I need motivation to stand up, walk to my cupboard and get out any old jumper so I don't sit here shivering in front of my open window, isn't it?
I cleaned my room yesterday, which actually gave me a strangely liberating feeling once I was finished. I took most of the posters off my wall and put most of my strange useless objects away in the cupboard. I never realise how many little nick-knacks I've managed to accumulate over my nineteen years. Things people have given me, little figurines from my childhood, burnt out candles from times best left in the past, coins from countries I've never visited, stickers and pamphlets from restaurants and concerts I've never been to or attended. These are the kind of things I've managed to hoard and for some reason, kept.
I can't for the life of me remember where I found some of these things, but I really am the person who collects and keeps things "just in case".
I decided to un-clutter my room at an attempt to un-clutter my life. It's not at all like my life is too cluttered, even. I just felt like some kind of refreshment.
I like the cold sometimes, because it feels much fresher than the heat. I don't like being cold, but I don't mind the cold. I'm not sure how that is supposed to make any sense, either.
I've had the same bed and mattress since I was old enough to be moved out of a cot. I'm not sure if that's comforting or worrying anymore. I think I'm the only person who can sleep in my bed. I think the springs have simultaneously moulded to my body over the years.
I need a new bed.
Speaking of motivation earlier, I have this list in my mind that I have been adding to for quite some time now. It's a "To-Do" list of all these things I need to get done. It's simple things like return DVDs (three or four weeks overdue by this point), return library books (three or four months overdue by this point), get my license (three or four years overdue by this point). I'm not sure why I don't get get out there and do these things so I can relax about them and finally cross them off my imaginary list.
Perhaps I should actually make a list on paper.
On weekends, I never seem to get into bed before 3am. Even if I don't go out, I always manage to stay up past 3am by choice. It's just something about that time where it's dead quiet. Nobody is awake besides me and I walk out onto the street, stand in the middle of the road, even just in front of my house, and just take some time to think.
Standing alone in the street past 3am. Nothing but the sound of possums rustling in the trees or the street light flickering. It would seem like you would be more than insignificant, and even perhaps a little depressing. But I would say it's the only time where I feel like I fit somewhere in this obscene world we have created ourselves.
But you'd think the opposite, really.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
We're freaks, the two of us.
I stumble out of my house, face flushed red from rushing around getting dressed and organized to leave, eyes squinting in the morning sun as I realise I left my sunglasses inside but it's far to late to run back. Especially since the cab driver hasn't stopped beeping his horn since he pulled into the driveway less than a minute ago.
And then by the time I get into the cab, I'm so exhausted that I'm just about ready to get back into bed. And the truth is that I don't really feel like talking this early in the morning, but I always manage to get some 65 year old cab driver who decides that I'm interested in his entire life story.
From experience, I've come to realise that any conversations that involve camping, family reunions or begin with "When I was a lad..." need to be skillfully avoided at all costs.
The thing that I don't understand about it, is that when I'm in a cab and the driver is telling me about the last time he saw his family or how when he was young, women wouldn't be caught dead wearing the clothes that young woman are running around in these days and I really should re-think the length of my shorts too if I want to gain any kind of respect from men, I'm kind of sitting there in the cab just going "Uh huh" and "Oh okay" while staring out the window. If that's not a brush-off or an "I'm not in the mood for talking" then I don't know what is.
Now that I think about it, I've noticed it at work, too. Clients who call up out of the blue with no real problem or enquiry, they just call up to talk about products they have bought and then the conversation kind of starts to slip into the weather and what they did on the weekend and how many children their daughter has.
Do people really just get that lonely that they need to call up a company and talk crap with Customer Service?
Do people really start to loose their minds so much that they can't even tell when someones clearly not interested in a conversation?
Now that's a scary thought.
And then by the time I get into the cab, I'm so exhausted that I'm just about ready to get back into bed. And the truth is that I don't really feel like talking this early in the morning, but I always manage to get some 65 year old cab driver who decides that I'm interested in his entire life story.
From experience, I've come to realise that any conversations that involve camping, family reunions or begin with "When I was a lad..." need to be skillfully avoided at all costs.
The thing that I don't understand about it, is that when I'm in a cab and the driver is telling me about the last time he saw his family or how when he was young, women wouldn't be caught dead wearing the clothes that young woman are running around in these days and I really should re-think the length of my shorts too if I want to gain any kind of respect from men, I'm kind of sitting there in the cab just going "Uh huh" and "Oh okay" while staring out the window. If that's not a brush-off or an "I'm not in the mood for talking" then I don't know what is.
Now that I think about it, I've noticed it at work, too. Clients who call up out of the blue with no real problem or enquiry, they just call up to talk about products they have bought and then the conversation kind of starts to slip into the weather and what they did on the weekend and how many children their daughter has.
Do people really just get that lonely that they need to call up a company and talk crap with Customer Service?
Do people really start to loose their minds so much that they can't even tell when someones clearly not interested in a conversation?
Now that's a scary thought.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Revelation at the red light.
I’ve been thinking a lot over the past couple of days.
And I’ve come to another realisation. It’s not that I don’t know who I am. It’s that I do.
I know exactly who I am. I know who my friends are. I know what I’m doing. I know where I’m going and which roads in life I’m willing to take.
If things don’t exactly turn out the way I want them to, I won’t be upset. I’ll make them better.
It’s scary sometimes to actually be so sure of myself in this aspect of life. My mind is telling me that it’s not normal. No nineteen year old knows who they are. Most nineteen year olds are still soul-searching. Most nineteen year olds would write an entry expressing the complete opposite to what I’m writing.
I know that I’m a hypocrite, and I’ll admit it. I know the difference between right and wrong, and I’ll admit that I don’t listen to myself sometimes.
I’m more than happy with the way everything has panned out so far.
But I’m afraid of not getting to feel this way forever.
And I’ve come to another realisation. It’s not that I don’t know who I am. It’s that I do.
I know exactly who I am. I know who my friends are. I know what I’m doing. I know where I’m going and which roads in life I’m willing to take.
If things don’t exactly turn out the way I want them to, I won’t be upset. I’ll make them better.
It’s scary sometimes to actually be so sure of myself in this aspect of life. My mind is telling me that it’s not normal. No nineteen year old knows who they are. Most nineteen year olds are still soul-searching. Most nineteen year olds would write an entry expressing the complete opposite to what I’m writing.
I know that I’m a hypocrite, and I’ll admit it. I know the difference between right and wrong, and I’ll admit that I don’t listen to myself sometimes.
I’m more than happy with the way everything has panned out so far.
But I’m afraid of not getting to feel this way forever.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Worse Things Happen At Sea.
My friend sent me something tonight that made me think.
He said:
"You hurt me everytime I see you take a puff of those stupud cigarettes, or when you tell me something that's complete bullshit. You hurt me whenver I look at you and you look away pretending you were never looking at me. It hurts me when you say you're happy and I know you're lying. It hurts me when you say you're okay and you're not."
In many ways, he's right.
I don't know who I am sometimes.
In many ways, I have no doubts about myself. But I'm also not so sure.
He said:
"You hurt me everytime I see you take a puff of those stupud cigarettes, or when you tell me something that's complete bullshit. You hurt me whenver I look at you and you look away pretending you were never looking at me. It hurts me when you say you're happy and I know you're lying. It hurts me when you say you're okay and you're not."
In many ways, he's right.
I don't know who I am sometimes.
In many ways, I have no doubts about myself. But I'm also not so sure.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
I'll Dream Until My Head Weighs 16 tonnes.
5pm on a Friday afternoon, after the beers have been passed around the office and the weekend is at your fingertips. Step outside into the summer heat, the distant smell of bushfire in the air.
That feeling you get when you realise you're free for the next 63 hours always means that little bit more in the summertime.
Nothing, and I mean nothing makes me happier.
That feeling you get when you realise you're free for the next 63 hours always means that little bit more in the summertime.
Nothing, and I mean nothing makes me happier.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
It's Harder to Walk Away.
I’ve never really felt like I have anything big to look forward to.
Over the past six years, no matter what my ambition or goal they were always interrupted.
Like anyone does, I did grow past those goals and create new ones, only to have them interrupted again by whatever crisis or life event that was thrown my way.
I even went through a stage where I felt like the only thing I had coming for me was disappointment.
It scares me even writing this, because I feel like I’m going to jinx myself or something.
And although I’ve just been ripped away from the most important person in my life, and in the aftermath of that, a change in lifestyle, perhaps the positive is that I am free.
There is nothing holding me back and nothing to stop me from breaking out of my comfort zone for perhaps the first time in my life.
But just like spending time with others to get to know them, you couldn’t possibly know who you are without spending time with yourself.
And I am afraid. Of course, I’m scared to death. I’ve never really been alone before.
Over the past six years, no matter what my ambition or goal they were always interrupted.
Like anyone does, I did grow past those goals and create new ones, only to have them interrupted again by whatever crisis or life event that was thrown my way.
I even went through a stage where I felt like the only thing I had coming for me was disappointment.
It scares me even writing this, because I feel like I’m going to jinx myself or something.
And although I’ve just been ripped away from the most important person in my life, and in the aftermath of that, a change in lifestyle, perhaps the positive is that I am free.
There is nothing holding me back and nothing to stop me from breaking out of my comfort zone for perhaps the first time in my life.
But just like spending time with others to get to know them, you couldn’t possibly know who you are without spending time with yourself.
And I am afraid. Of course, I’m scared to death. I’ve never really been alone before.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Another Shot of Whiskey.
I'm really scared for him.
It's not even about 'us' anymore, that's not even the issue anymore. I'm worried that he's on some kind of chase for excitement. I mean, I know that he is on the chase for excitement. But knowing him and his personality - that's why it scares me.
He knows the difference between right and wrong, he knows what's good for you and what's bad for you - but that's unlikley to stop him. It's recklessness, not independance.
You can't strike out on your own if you have no drive or direction. You can't make a choice to change your life and move in with drug addicts. You can't decide what you want to be your problem and step away from things that are too hard. You can't choose independance but continue to lean on anyone who will listen. You can't say goodbye to the people you love unless you are never coming back.
It's not even about 'us' anymore, that's not even the issue anymore. I'm worried that he's on some kind of chase for excitement. I mean, I know that he is on the chase for excitement. But knowing him and his personality - that's why it scares me.
He knows the difference between right and wrong, he knows what's good for you and what's bad for you - but that's unlikley to stop him. It's recklessness, not independance.
You can't strike out on your own if you have no drive or direction. You can't make a choice to change your life and move in with drug addicts. You can't decide what you want to be your problem and step away from things that are too hard. You can't choose independance but continue to lean on anyone who will listen. You can't say goodbye to the people you love unless you are never coming back.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
And The District Sleeps Alone Tonight
You know, it’s amazing when you finally decide that you’re blowing things out of proportion and let yourself sit back and enjoy the ride is when you get stabbed in the back and left in the dark.
I’m not going to say I didn’t see it coming. Obviously, I did. It’s funny if you try your hardest to hold on to something, that’s when it puts more effort into getting away. Until it is.
Sometimes they come back. I did. I disappeared for a while. I didn’t know who I was for a while. Eventually I figured it out and made my way back home.And everything was great again.Until he lost his way this time.And I’m finding myself alone again. Temporarily disappearing from the world I know so well.
Change isn’t always a bad thing in the long-run. But sometimes it’s simply not necessary.
Sometimes they come back.
But the question is – will he?
I’m not going to say I didn’t see it coming. Obviously, I did. It’s funny if you try your hardest to hold on to something, that’s when it puts more effort into getting away. Until it is.
Sometimes they come back. I did. I disappeared for a while. I didn’t know who I was for a while. Eventually I figured it out and made my way back home.And everything was great again.Until he lost his way this time.And I’m finding myself alone again. Temporarily disappearing from the world I know so well.
Change isn’t always a bad thing in the long-run. But sometimes it’s simply not necessary.
Sometimes they come back.
But the question is – will he?
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Insecurity
I don't really know what to do at the moment.
I've kind of reached one of those forks in the road where I have to decide to either put up with things that really hurt and upset me, or to walk away from the most important thing in the world to me.
I know that the right thing to do is to try putting up with these things. Remind myself that I'm loved, and I shouldn't be worried. That he wouldn't do anything to purpously hurt me, but that doesn't mean he's going to do everything by "my rules".
It's just hard to settle down with something, or someone, when you have your own doubts about the situation. I know they're only doubts, not necessarily having anything at all to do with reality, but what can you do?
These things can't be forgotten.
I wasn't always like this, either.
I used to be calm and collected. Happy and relaxed, ready for whatever was to come my way.
Now I just can't help but to be scared of it all.
I don't want to go anywhere. And he doesn't either.
All I need to do now is make myself believe it.
I've kind of reached one of those forks in the road where I have to decide to either put up with things that really hurt and upset me, or to walk away from the most important thing in the world to me.
I know that the right thing to do is to try putting up with these things. Remind myself that I'm loved, and I shouldn't be worried. That he wouldn't do anything to purpously hurt me, but that doesn't mean he's going to do everything by "my rules".
It's just hard to settle down with something, or someone, when you have your own doubts about the situation. I know they're only doubts, not necessarily having anything at all to do with reality, but what can you do?
These things can't be forgotten.
I wasn't always like this, either.
I used to be calm and collected. Happy and relaxed, ready for whatever was to come my way.
Now I just can't help but to be scared of it all.
I don't want to go anywhere. And he doesn't either.
All I need to do now is make myself believe it.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
A Trite or Obvious Remark
It’s funny when you see clichés happen.
I was driving up the road near my house yesterday afternoon, and I saw a couple of ladies standing on the corner of the street. They had their arms folded and they were deep in conversation, pointing over fences and gossiping away.
I just thought it was hilarious to actually see gossiping housewives on the street corner.
It reminded me of a scene in Edward Scissorhands where all the women from the neighbourhood were out in the street discussing Peg’s new guest. Obviously not as exaggerated as that scene, but it made me laugh all the same.
I was driving up the road near my house yesterday afternoon, and I saw a couple of ladies standing on the corner of the street. They had their arms folded and they were deep in conversation, pointing over fences and gossiping away.
I just thought it was hilarious to actually see gossiping housewives on the street corner.
It reminded me of a scene in Edward Scissorhands where all the women from the neighbourhood were out in the street discussing Peg’s new guest. Obviously not as exaggerated as that scene, but it made me laugh all the same.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
It Really Is Just As Simple
You know, I think that the secret to happiness is not necessarily using all of your energy and time and effort into finding an alternate world of perfection.
Perfection - God, every inkling of meaning behind that word makes me mad. Nobody really wants perfection. You can't possibly want a world where everything is happy go-lucky, skipping through the park, making love by the river, smiles and laughter full of perfection.
However, at the same time, nobody wants a world of constant greif and sadness, lonliness and abandonment. Of course not.
Everybody experiences love and pain at some point during their lives, but nobody get's to choose when or for how long these feelings will last.
You can't hide from these things, and by God, I wouldn't want to.
It's all these experiences and feelings, good or bad, that help you to form your version of "happiness". You learn to understand your boundries.
You think you know how far life can push you, but you'll be constantly surprised.
Happiness, when it really comes down to it, is being able to stand up and say that everything has gone to shit, but say it with a smile on your face because you know better than to think it's the end.
Happiness is being able to say that one day you'll be dead, but you'll never be dying.
Happiness is when you're finally able to see past all the imperfections.
And I'm still learning.
Perfection - God, every inkling of meaning behind that word makes me mad. Nobody really wants perfection. You can't possibly want a world where everything is happy go-lucky, skipping through the park, making love by the river, smiles and laughter full of perfection.
However, at the same time, nobody wants a world of constant greif and sadness, lonliness and abandonment. Of course not.
Everybody experiences love and pain at some point during their lives, but nobody get's to choose when or for how long these feelings will last.
You can't hide from these things, and by God, I wouldn't want to.
It's all these experiences and feelings, good or bad, that help you to form your version of "happiness". You learn to understand your boundries.
You think you know how far life can push you, but you'll be constantly surprised.
Happiness, when it really comes down to it, is being able to stand up and say that everything has gone to shit, but say it with a smile on your face because you know better than to think it's the end.
Happiness is being able to say that one day you'll be dead, but you'll never be dying.
Happiness is when you're finally able to see past all the imperfections.
And I'm still learning.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Smiles, because
I really wish that I had all the answers, sometimes.
But then other times, reality comes and hits me in the face, and I realise that life would be pretty damn boring if I did.
But then other times, reality comes and hits me in the face, and I realise that life would be pretty damn boring if I did.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Five Years
I feel guilty that I keep forgetting today is the day, five years ago, that changed my life forever.
I suppose, to be exact, at 2am on July 24th was when the walls caved in.
I keep thinking that I'm okay with it. I'm finding it easier to laugh and enjoy life this time round, but I can't escape the feeling it leaves in my chest.
They say that you never really get over it, you just learn to live with it. You get used to it. You're able to look at the good times and smile because they happened, not cry because they're over.
It hurts me more to know that I've actually learnt to live with it.
I wish I could remember her voice.
I suppose, to be exact, at 2am on July 24th was when the walls caved in.
I keep thinking that I'm okay with it. I'm finding it easier to laugh and enjoy life this time round, but I can't escape the feeling it leaves in my chest.
They say that you never really get over it, you just learn to live with it. You get used to it. You're able to look at the good times and smile because they happened, not cry because they're over.
It hurts me more to know that I've actually learnt to live with it.
I wish I could remember her voice.
Monkey and the Questions
Now that I’m actually happy, I kind of have this feeling like I was happier before.
It’s like the anticipation to becoming happy and getting what I want was better than actually settling down with it.
Because once you have it, then that means that you can also loose it. And perhaps the pain of letting it go early is easier than the pain of watching it slip away right before my eyes.
You see, I have this feeling like karma is out to get me all of the time.
I loved and lost, then I was blessed with a second chance. And now I feel like it’s all a set-up so that I can be knocked down harder than I knocked him.
I just always feel like I’m being taken for granted or I’m in some kind of one sided relationship where I need him and he’s just there because he can be.
And I hate the feeling of knowing that there are more important things. And that he’d rather relax and laugh with his friends and his chemicals in a dark smokey room seven days of the week. And my opinion means nothing, really.
I may be right or wrong, I suppose. I think I’m right.
I wish I were wrong.
It’s like the anticipation to becoming happy and getting what I want was better than actually settling down with it.
Because once you have it, then that means that you can also loose it. And perhaps the pain of letting it go early is easier than the pain of watching it slip away right before my eyes.
You see, I have this feeling like karma is out to get me all of the time.
I loved and lost, then I was blessed with a second chance. And now I feel like it’s all a set-up so that I can be knocked down harder than I knocked him.
I just always feel like I’m being taken for granted or I’m in some kind of one sided relationship where I need him and he’s just there because he can be.
And I hate the feeling of knowing that there are more important things. And that he’d rather relax and laugh with his friends and his chemicals in a dark smokey room seven days of the week. And my opinion means nothing, really.
I may be right or wrong, I suppose. I think I’m right.
I wish I were wrong.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
What Difference Does It Make?
Writing is something that I think I just like the idea of.
I’m not too sure.
I get into these mindsets where I really want to write. I think that I have it all together. And I sit down and get myself organized.
I open up the screen, lay my hands on the keyboard and it’s as if everything that was running through my mind earlier; every thought, every idea is gone. Just like that.
I have some serious issues with trying to get the words out of my head and through my fingers. I have pictures and storylines racing around in my head all of the time, but sometimes, I just can’t bring anything to life.
Although, every once in a while, it’s like an explosion.
It’s like every inkling has been squeezed from my imagination and I find myself typing furiously for hours, words spilling out as if they’ve been suppressed for too long, keeping myself going on coffee and cigarettes. And I think that I have it. I think that finally I have broken through and am on my way to create something incredible.
Until, of course, I decide to read back on my work.
The high has disappeared from my system and replaced itself with a feeling of disappointment. Rocks in my stomach. I find myself reading something that reminds me of something else.
I don’t trust my own judgement.
I’m not too sure.
I get into these mindsets where I really want to write. I think that I have it all together. And I sit down and get myself organized.
I open up the screen, lay my hands on the keyboard and it’s as if everything that was running through my mind earlier; every thought, every idea is gone. Just like that.
I have some serious issues with trying to get the words out of my head and through my fingers. I have pictures and storylines racing around in my head all of the time, but sometimes, I just can’t bring anything to life.
Although, every once in a while, it’s like an explosion.
It’s like every inkling has been squeezed from my imagination and I find myself typing furiously for hours, words spilling out as if they’ve been suppressed for too long, keeping myself going on coffee and cigarettes. And I think that I have it. I think that finally I have broken through and am on my way to create something incredible.
Until, of course, I decide to read back on my work.
The high has disappeared from my system and replaced itself with a feeling of disappointment. Rocks in my stomach. I find myself reading something that reminds me of something else.
I don’t trust my own judgement.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
And I Turned Away, Of Course.
I’d really like to know what’s wrong with me sometimes.I’m not really sure what happened. A few months ago, I found myself entering a phase in my life where I felt extremely carefree and happy. I felt like something had miraculously changed within me shortly after I turned eighteen. It was like I had so much to look forward to, so much I wanted to experience. So much I wanted to learn, so many things I wanted to be able to teach others.
And I guess it didn’t turn out anything like I would have liked.
I mean, I had my chance to experience some incredible things, but also I suppose, things that I never want to experience again. I guess you could say that I made some mistakes, but I really don’t believe in regret.
I continued to enjoy this carefree, exciting life I was leading but only for a short time. I loved the way it made me so happy and invincible, but ignored how lonely and empty it made me. I built up some kind of wall to block out the negative feelings that I probably would have felt if I was in any kind of normal headspace.
If I ever felt like I missed the way things used to be, I would get angry at myself. I wouldn’t dare to let myself feel hurt over the past, present or future. Maybe for fear of the hurt, and maybe because I was being selfish.
Although, as time went forward, things eventually did change.
And I suppose in many ways, things are back the way they used to be before. But again in many other ways, things are not at all like they were before.
I don’t want to regret, nor do I want anything to change. I just wish I had listened then to the voice I refused to pay attention to.
And I guess it didn’t turn out anything like I would have liked.
I mean, I had my chance to experience some incredible things, but also I suppose, things that I never want to experience again. I guess you could say that I made some mistakes, but I really don’t believe in regret.
I continued to enjoy this carefree, exciting life I was leading but only for a short time. I loved the way it made me so happy and invincible, but ignored how lonely and empty it made me. I built up some kind of wall to block out the negative feelings that I probably would have felt if I was in any kind of normal headspace.
If I ever felt like I missed the way things used to be, I would get angry at myself. I wouldn’t dare to let myself feel hurt over the past, present or future. Maybe for fear of the hurt, and maybe because I was being selfish.
Although, as time went forward, things eventually did change.
And I suppose in many ways, things are back the way they used to be before. But again in many other ways, things are not at all like they were before.
I don’t want to regret, nor do I want anything to change. I just wish I had listened then to the voice I refused to pay attention to.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Decipher Reflections from Reality
I think that we're all hypocrites.
I generally believe that the majority of people hate certain aspects of others not because it hurts them or makes them uncomfortable in any way, but because they see a little of themselves in that person.
There's nothing worse than when you hate something about yourself, and then you notice other people doing it, too. It's almost like you can't escape it.
Nobody wants to see the worst of themselves brought out in the people they love.
But they never seem to want to admit it. Nobody wants to agree and sit back and accept that they have faults or that they're not "normal".
Instead they prefer to hide it and express their deep hate for it to cover it up.
It's like using your mind in a whole different way, by completely convincing yourself to believe your own lie. Once you tell a lie enough times, it's not a lie anymore. Whether it happened or not, it becomes real to you.
It's like training yourself to think differently. To think the opposite of how things truely are.
And then when you're reminded of the truth, or of who you really are, that feeling in the pit of your stomach, it will never go away.
You can't escape reality. Not forever.
I generally believe that the majority of people hate certain aspects of others not because it hurts them or makes them uncomfortable in any way, but because they see a little of themselves in that person.
There's nothing worse than when you hate something about yourself, and then you notice other people doing it, too. It's almost like you can't escape it.
Nobody wants to see the worst of themselves brought out in the people they love.
But they never seem to want to admit it. Nobody wants to agree and sit back and accept that they have faults or that they're not "normal".
Instead they prefer to hide it and express their deep hate for it to cover it up.
It's like using your mind in a whole different way, by completely convincing yourself to believe your own lie. Once you tell a lie enough times, it's not a lie anymore. Whether it happened or not, it becomes real to you.
It's like training yourself to think differently. To think the opposite of how things truely are.
And then when you're reminded of the truth, or of who you really are, that feeling in the pit of your stomach, it will never go away.
You can't escape reality. Not forever.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Expectations = Disappointments
One of the hardest things to come by or to understand at all, is when someone just walks out on your life.
I mean, without warning.
I mean, how are you supposed to avoid that?
Especially when they refuse to tell you or to explain why.
And you want to tell them that they mean the world to you and that you still want to know them.
And what have you done and how can you fix this. And wether they really mean it.
But it’s trapped in your throat, pushed to the corner of your mind, it doesn’t matter. It wouldn’t matter anyway.
So you choke and you nod, for what else can you do? What can you do anyway?
Because you don’t want this.
How could anybody want this.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Realistically
I was thinking today about the expression "There's always somebody out there who has it worse".
It kind of got me thinking the opposite, though.
I really don't think it's right to hold your life experience or family tragedy higher or consider it to be worse than anybody else's, just the same as I don't think it's right to feel guilty about being sad over something just because you can't get the idea out of your head that someone out there has it worse.
Obviously, there is a fair difference between a family dog dying, and the Father dying, however I think it's more accurate to view it as whatever the experience, tragedy, obstacle or change someone has had to overcome, no matter how big or small it may be, if it is the hardest thing that they have ever had to face, then it is exactly that. It is the hardest thing they have ever had to face.
Although it may seem very small in proportion to your experiences, does not mean that it is not real. Usually, they do not know any worse. And thank God for that, I suppose.
It kind of got me thinking the opposite, though.
I really don't think it's right to hold your life experience or family tragedy higher or consider it to be worse than anybody else's, just the same as I don't think it's right to feel guilty about being sad over something just because you can't get the idea out of your head that someone out there has it worse.
Obviously, there is a fair difference between a family dog dying, and the Father dying, however I think it's more accurate to view it as whatever the experience, tragedy, obstacle or change someone has had to overcome, no matter how big or small it may be, if it is the hardest thing that they have ever had to face, then it is exactly that. It is the hardest thing they have ever had to face.
Although it may seem very small in proportion to your experiences, does not mean that it is not real. Usually, they do not know any worse. And thank God for that, I suppose.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
"I spent my entire childhood wishing I was older. Now I'm older and this shit sucks"
I think it's okay to feel like that,
sometimes.
sometimes.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
It may well be worth it.
Sometimes, I think that my favorite people in the world are the people I will never see again.
There are so many people I have come across in everyday situations, like on the bus or in a queue or in the street, that have just stuck in my mind.
I don’t know these people’s names, where they’re from or where their going. But our limited time spent in conversation has been more than enough to keep them fresh in my memory for years to come.
I remember specifically, about three years ago I met a boy at the bus stop. I think it was raining that day. We had both just missed the bus by minutes so we ended up sitting there together on the bench for about 15-20 minutes waiting for the next one.
We didn’t really talk. We just kind of sat there, about half a meter away from each other quietly smoking our cigarettes. I think at one point we may have introduced ourselves and I definitely recall him asking to borrow my lighter, but other than that, we just smiled at each other occasionally.
Once the bus finally came, he sat down in the seat in front of me. I could see him looking out the window and his eyes flicker in my direction out of the corner of his eye every so often. I really wanted to say something. To reach forward and tap him on the shoulder; start up a conversation. But my arm lay lifeless in my lap, and I kept my mouth shut. I don’t know why. I’m not usually the type that has any problem striking up a conversation, even with somebody I don’t know. I just couldn’t do it this time.
When it came to his stop, he stood up really slowly. I don’t know if it was because I knew he was leaving and I perhaps found myself savoring every second I had left, or if he was purposely taking his time. He turned around to face me and opened his mouth as if he was going to say something.
I waited, looking right into his eyes. The bus came to a halt. He said nothing. I opened my mouth, but the words wouldn’t come out. I couldn’t believe this! “Just say something!” I remember thinking.
He smiled, as if he’d heard me or something. He then simply winked at me, and stepped off the bus.
Of course, I never saw him again.
I still think about that boy today. I don’t know what it was about him. Just one of those things, I guess.
Sometimes, I wish I’d had got to know him.
But when I really think about it, I’m glad I didn’t.
If I had, I wouldn’t feel the same way about the memory, would I?
Monday, May 18, 2009
Uselessness.
It started and ended sooner then either of us could have ever imagined.
Like a shooting star, that you think you may have seen,
But really could have been your eyes playing tricks on you, or a satelite, or nothing.
We held our breath and dived into something that we both knew would end.
But we kept repeating "Not yet,
not today".
I took his hand and showed him the reasons I get out of bed in the morning.
And there were phone calls, and sunrises. There was plently of weed and the Catcher in the Rye.
Cigarette after cigarette, we lay on the grass in silence; if only to start today again tomorrow.
But there were no tears. There was no anger, no fear.
We just lied to ourselves and said, "It's going to be okay, it's going to be okay, it's going to be okay, it's going to be okay".
"It's just going to be alright."
:)
Like a shooting star, that you think you may have seen,
But really could have been your eyes playing tricks on you, or a satelite, or nothing.
We held our breath and dived into something that we both knew would end.
But we kept repeating "Not yet,
not today".
I took his hand and showed him the reasons I get out of bed in the morning.
And there were phone calls, and sunrises. There was plently of weed and the Catcher in the Rye.
Cigarette after cigarette, we lay on the grass in silence; if only to start today again tomorrow.
But there were no tears. There was no anger, no fear.
We just lied to ourselves and said, "It's going to be okay, it's going to be okay, it's going to be okay, it's going to be okay".
"It's just going to be alright."
:)
Thursday, May 14, 2009
And I thought "Oh God, my chance has come at last"
This morning while I was on the bus to work, I saw perhaps one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.
I can’t really explain why it was beautiful. It just was.
There was this couple, they were probably in their early 70s, crossing the main road.
It was clear by how they were dressed that they were on a morning walk together. As they started to cross the road, they got about a quarter of the way, and the red pedestrian light started flashing to hurry them up. They immediately held hands with one another, and continued to jog across the road and onto the footpath.
They didn’t even look at each other. They just knew what to do and what the other one was thinking.
That kind of got me into this strange headspace about relationships, love, and all things related.
And I suppose I have come to realize that I have no trouble finding someone great, getting to know them, starting something, and even falling in love with them.
It’s just the staying in love that I have the trouble with.
I can’t really explain why it was beautiful. It just was.
There was this couple, they were probably in their early 70s, crossing the main road.
It was clear by how they were dressed that they were on a morning walk together. As they started to cross the road, they got about a quarter of the way, and the red pedestrian light started flashing to hurry them up. They immediately held hands with one another, and continued to jog across the road and onto the footpath.
They didn’t even look at each other. They just knew what to do and what the other one was thinking.
That kind of got me into this strange headspace about relationships, love, and all things related.
And I suppose I have come to realize that I have no trouble finding someone great, getting to know them, starting something, and even falling in love with them.
It’s just the staying in love that I have the trouble with.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Boredom is a State of Mind
You know, I don’t have a very interesting life.
I’ve kind of gotten to a point in my life I think where I am starting to notice the repetitiveness.
It’s not at all like I don’t enjoy my life.
Because I do.
I may not be blessed with all of the cliché things that are associated with a “perfect” life, but I certainly have close to everything I need.
But sometimes, it’s the drama that keeps things interesting.
Drama can make or break you.
Either way – you’re never bored.
I’ve known people who have been so insanely bored with their lives, that they have felt the need to create their own drama.
And in doing this, a few of them have actually ended up fucking up their lives completely.
But what is it about boredom that makes people do this?
Is boredom really that bad?
Has Generation Y simply become "The Bored Generation"?
The generation that has seen it all, and has it all, and knows it all?
With one hand texting, the other typing and swapping screens between Facebook, Myspace, Twitter and Dailybooth, whilst on Skype and a DVD playing in the background and only one thing in mind: BOREDOM.
I’ve kind of gotten to a point in my life I think where I am starting to notice the repetitiveness.
It’s not at all like I don’t enjoy my life.
Because I do.
I may not be blessed with all of the cliché things that are associated with a “perfect” life, but I certainly have close to everything I need.
But sometimes, it’s the drama that keeps things interesting.
Drama can make or break you.
Either way – you’re never bored.
I’ve known people who have been so insanely bored with their lives, that they have felt the need to create their own drama.
And in doing this, a few of them have actually ended up fucking up their lives completely.
But what is it about boredom that makes people do this?
Is boredom really that bad?
Has Generation Y simply become "The Bored Generation"?
The generation that has seen it all, and has it all, and knows it all?
With one hand texting, the other typing and swapping screens between Facebook, Myspace, Twitter and Dailybooth, whilst on Skype and a DVD playing in the background and only one thing in mind: BOREDOM.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
My Generation
"But that hasn't stopped generation Y bashing becoming a national sport. While sexism, racism and homophobia are frowned upon, it seems it is OK to denigrate 4.5 million Australians because they're young."
- Michael Lallo, The Age: 'Talkin' 'Bout my generalisation (or why we bag Gen Y)'
I keep forgetting about this blog.
I think it's because I have signed up for so many social networking sites, I am having a very hard time trying to keep up with them all.
You see, there is this new show that has just started called Talkin' 'Bout My Generation. It's basicly a demographic showdown. It's a contest between Baby Boomers, Generation X and Generation Y.
During the show, they tend to rip Generation Y'ers apart.
I was born in 1990. An absolutley, no mistake, part of Generation Y. I love Twitter and my mobile phone. I just about go insane when the internet is down and I am highly impatient. But really - what's so bad about that? It's not hurting anyone.
I also give everyone the time of day wether they're male, female, black, white, tall, short, fat skinny, blonde, brunette, gay or lesbian. And a large majority of Generation Y feel the same way. It's believed that Generation Y have the lowest rate of racism and homophobia.
There is nothing at all that pisses me off more than a Generation X who thinks it's okay to pick on and overpower someone from Generation Y simply because they are older.
A Generation Y says, "God, I hate work" and the majorty of Generation X's will respond with something like, "You don't even KNOW what hard work is yet. I'VE been working full time since before you were even THOUGHT OF." Uh, so what. In 30 years time I'll have worked for that long too.
I guess I just kind of see it the same way as when kids grow up and finally start to realise that their parents aren't always right.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Unknowing.
Sometimes, I miss that feeling you get when you meet someone new or move into a new place, or experience something you have never seen/done before.
It's the kind of thing that you can not create or reproduce.
Similar to when you stop believing in Santa Claus - you try so hard to hold onto the childhood image, and to make yourself believe it again.
But once you know something to be true, you can not recreate the feeling of unknowing. It is impossible to bring yourself to understand why you thought differently before.
It's the kind of thing that you can not create or reproduce.
Similar to when you stop believing in Santa Claus - you try so hard to hold onto the childhood image, and to make yourself believe it again.
But once you know something to be true, you can not recreate the feeling of unknowing. It is impossible to bring yourself to understand why you thought differently before.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
The Hours Move To Minues and I'm Seconds Away
I've been feeling alot different lately.
I'm not quite sure what it is. Because when I really think about it, I have felt the same way for a very long time. For at least five years, I do not feel like I have changed very much. In height and maturity and intellect of course, but the past five years do not feel like five years at all. I suppose when you have a major event in your life, you spend a year or so with it constantly on your mind. And when you have something inhabiting your mind, forcing its way into your every thought, your days seem to drag on. And they don't even feel like days at all. It just feels like consistency.
Then, I suppose, you wake up one day and a year has passed. And the next year rips by you, and the next and the next. Before you know it, you can't even remember how you got to where you are today. You find yourself thinking back on everything you have witnessed, or experienced, or overcome in the past five years, and then it really does start to feel like five years, doesn't it?
I'm not quite sure what it is. Because when I really think about it, I have felt the same way for a very long time. For at least five years, I do not feel like I have changed very much. In height and maturity and intellect of course, but the past five years do not feel like five years at all. I suppose when you have a major event in your life, you spend a year or so with it constantly on your mind. And when you have something inhabiting your mind, forcing its way into your every thought, your days seem to drag on. And they don't even feel like days at all. It just feels like consistency.
Then, I suppose, you wake up one day and a year has passed. And the next year rips by you, and the next and the next. Before you know it, you can't even remember how you got to where you are today. You find yourself thinking back on everything you have witnessed, or experienced, or overcome in the past five years, and then it really does start to feel like five years, doesn't it?
Over Dramatics
You know what tends to happen?
The more sleep I get, the more tired I feel the next day.
I can wake up after 5 hours sleep, down a coffee and feel just fine. However, I wake up after, say, 9 hours sleep, and I would very much like to crawl back into bed.
Why is this.
I was reminded the other day at an 18th of a very funny thing my friend did. For some reason, much like at 21sts, people feel the need to make speaches at 18ths listing all the most embarresing moments of this person's life.
So she was at the cinemas one day and asked for a ticket to some movie, and the lady told her the price. It took my friend a little while to get all of her change together so during the process, the lady at the ticketbox had put her ticket down on the counter. My friend gathered all the money and gave it to the lady and proceeded to walk away. The lady held up the ticket and said, with a sarcastic tone, "You don't want this?" And my friend turns around, smiles and goes, "No, I don't want a receipt, thanks".
Idiot.
The more sleep I get, the more tired I feel the next day.
I can wake up after 5 hours sleep, down a coffee and feel just fine. However, I wake up after, say, 9 hours sleep, and I would very much like to crawl back into bed.
Why is this.
I was reminded the other day at an 18th of a very funny thing my friend did. For some reason, much like at 21sts, people feel the need to make speaches at 18ths listing all the most embarresing moments of this person's life.
So she was at the cinemas one day and asked for a ticket to some movie, and the lady told her the price. It took my friend a little while to get all of her change together so during the process, the lady at the ticketbox had put her ticket down on the counter. My friend gathered all the money and gave it to the lady and proceeded to walk away. The lady held up the ticket and said, with a sarcastic tone, "You don't want this?" And my friend turns around, smiles and goes, "No, I don't want a receipt, thanks".
Idiot.
Monday, March 30, 2009
The Red in the Sky is Ours
I'm writing right now to avoid doing the work that I really should be doing.
And I will be doing right after I write this, so I don't really know why I don't just do it now seeing as I will be doing it in a moments time.
But I guess its just like anything, like getting out of bed in the morning. You know you're going to be doing it in two minutes but you'd rather lie there for the next 120 seconds anyway.
I kind of can't believe how fast this year is going already. It's almost April. Where the hell did the beginning of the year go? I remember Christmas and New Years like it was yesterday. You've got to be joking in saying it was four months ago.
I'm just purposely wasting time now.
And I will be doing right after I write this, so I don't really know why I don't just do it now seeing as I will be doing it in a moments time.
But I guess its just like anything, like getting out of bed in the morning. You know you're going to be doing it in two minutes but you'd rather lie there for the next 120 seconds anyway.
I kind of can't believe how fast this year is going already. It's almost April. Where the hell did the beginning of the year go? I remember Christmas and New Years like it was yesterday. You've got to be joking in saying it was four months ago.
I'm just purposely wasting time now.
Friday, March 13, 2009
On the corner of 1st and Amistad
I really hate it when people ruin songs for me.
For example, you hear a song on the radio and you're thinking "Hey, that song isn't too bad!" and then you hear it again and you're like "Oh, I really like this song!" and then you hear it again and you're like "Okay, enough now". But every time you get into the car and switch on the radio, THERE IT IS AGAIN.
Then, it starts following you around. You go into the shopping centre, and that song is quietly playing in the background somewhere. You catch a glimpse of someones iPod screen on the bus, and they're listening to the song. Your neighbour has a loud party and plays that song over and over again, and even while you're trying to get to sleep, that song loops over in your head.
And something that was once a good song now makes you cringe and quietly leave the room every time it is played.
Sometimes, if I find a song that I really really like, I purposely don't put it on my iPod for fear that it will start to annoy me if I listen to it too often.
This guy at my work ruined the song Psycho Killer by Talking Heads for me. We were having a conversation about post-punk, and Talking Heads came up. I mentioned the song Psycho Killer, and he immediately started singing the song. And lets just say it sounded nothing at all like the original.
So now everytime I walk past his desk, he starts humming the song at me. I've actually had to plan an alternative route to my desk so I don't have to hear that song anymore.
It's a shame, really. I quite liked that Shake It song by Metro Station the first 80 times I heard it.
For example, you hear a song on the radio and you're thinking "Hey, that song isn't too bad!" and then you hear it again and you're like "Oh, I really like this song!" and then you hear it again and you're like "Okay, enough now". But every time you get into the car and switch on the radio, THERE IT IS AGAIN.
Then, it starts following you around. You go into the shopping centre, and that song is quietly playing in the background somewhere. You catch a glimpse of someones iPod screen on the bus, and they're listening to the song. Your neighbour has a loud party and plays that song over and over again, and even while you're trying to get to sleep, that song loops over in your head.
And something that was once a good song now makes you cringe and quietly leave the room every time it is played.
Sometimes, if I find a song that I really really like, I purposely don't put it on my iPod for fear that it will start to annoy me if I listen to it too often.
This guy at my work ruined the song Psycho Killer by Talking Heads for me. We were having a conversation about post-punk, and Talking Heads came up. I mentioned the song Psycho Killer, and he immediately started singing the song. And lets just say it sounded nothing at all like the original.
So now everytime I walk past his desk, he starts humming the song at me. I've actually had to plan an alternative route to my desk so I don't have to hear that song anymore.
It's a shame, really. I quite liked that Shake It song by Metro Station the first 80 times I heard it.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Thrills, Kills and Sunday Pills.
You know what kind of movies I really like?
I love those really disturbing, independantly-made films. And I don't mean horror or gore or anything, no thanks.
I mean those movies that are based on real life events, but they're the kind of life events that people would prefer to sweep under the rug.
The kind of movies that remind you of someone you once knew. Or remind you of the kind of person you'd never want to be. The movies that make you cringe and turn away from the screen. The movies that leave you with a spaced-out feeling even after the credits have finished rolling.
These are the kind of movies I like (when I'm in the mood to watch a really screwed up film, that is.)
Ken Park (2002):
Banned in Australia. Directed by Larry Clark. Intertwines the lives of kids and their parents. Has some scenes in it that you'd probably really rather not see, but thats kind of the point.
Kids (1995):
Directed by Larry Clark. Originally to warn teenagers about HIV/AIDS. Harsh reality of teenagers unleashed.
Another Day in Paradise (1998):
Directed by Larry Clark. Two junkie couples go on a robbing spree for drugs and money. Tests their courage, commitments, addictions, strengths and relationships. I always thought I would give this addition of Larry Clark's films a miss, because it didn't seem like my kind of film. I eventually gave in, and regret not watching it sooner.
Gummo (1997):
Directed by Haromine Korine. After-math of a horrific tornado that rips through a small town in Ohio. Some interesting characters, some incredible cinematography. Probably one of the most disturbing films I've ever seen. This one scared the shit out of me.
Mysterious Skin (2004):
Directed by Greg Araki. Two boys knew eachother when they were eight years old. One was sexually abused by his baseball coach, the other wakes up after a four hour blackout with a bleeding nose and no memory of what happened during those four hours. Ten years on, they both want answers. But first they have to find eachother.
My Own Private Idaho (1991):
Directed by Gus Van Sant. Strange friendship between two male hustlers. Life on the street, abandonment, love, addiction, abuse. I watch this movie at least once every three or four weeks.
State's Evidence (2006):
Directed by Benjamin Louis. I really hate this movie. I love it, but I really hate it. Suicide pact between six friends. Twist is, they decide that in the last 24 hours of their lives, they will do everything they had always wanted to do but never had the courage/got around to doing. No limits whatsoever. Some extremely horrific scenes, which actually gave me nightmares. I'm really not sure why this hasn't been banned yet.
2:37 (2006):
Directed by Murali K. Thalluri. Six teenagers. One un-wanted pregnancy. One pressured student. One eating disorder. One outcast. One confident football player. And one drug-addict. When the clock strikes 2:37 one tragedy will unfold and effect each and every one of them.
Anyway. That took me quite a while to write up the little blurbs about each movie, but I did rather enjoy doing it.
Maybe books next time, huh?
I love those really disturbing, independantly-made films. And I don't mean horror or gore or anything, no thanks.
I mean those movies that are based on real life events, but they're the kind of life events that people would prefer to sweep under the rug.
The kind of movies that remind you of someone you once knew. Or remind you of the kind of person you'd never want to be. The movies that make you cringe and turn away from the screen. The movies that leave you with a spaced-out feeling even after the credits have finished rolling.
These are the kind of movies I like (when I'm in the mood to watch a really screwed up film, that is.)
Ken Park (2002):
Banned in Australia. Directed by Larry Clark. Intertwines the lives of kids and their parents. Has some scenes in it that you'd probably really rather not see, but thats kind of the point.
Kids (1995):
Directed by Larry Clark. Originally to warn teenagers about HIV/AIDS. Harsh reality of teenagers unleashed.
Another Day in Paradise (1998):
Directed by Larry Clark. Two junkie couples go on a robbing spree for drugs and money. Tests their courage, commitments, addictions, strengths and relationships. I always thought I would give this addition of Larry Clark's films a miss, because it didn't seem like my kind of film. I eventually gave in, and regret not watching it sooner.
Gummo (1997):
Directed by Haromine Korine. After-math of a horrific tornado that rips through a small town in Ohio. Some interesting characters, some incredible cinematography. Probably one of the most disturbing films I've ever seen. This one scared the shit out of me.
Mysterious Skin (2004):
Directed by Greg Araki. Two boys knew eachother when they were eight years old. One was sexually abused by his baseball coach, the other wakes up after a four hour blackout with a bleeding nose and no memory of what happened during those four hours. Ten years on, they both want answers. But first they have to find eachother.
My Own Private Idaho (1991):
Directed by Gus Van Sant. Strange friendship between two male hustlers. Life on the street, abandonment, love, addiction, abuse. I watch this movie at least once every three or four weeks.
State's Evidence (2006):
Directed by Benjamin Louis. I really hate this movie. I love it, but I really hate it. Suicide pact between six friends. Twist is, they decide that in the last 24 hours of their lives, they will do everything they had always wanted to do but never had the courage/got around to doing. No limits whatsoever. Some extremely horrific scenes, which actually gave me nightmares. I'm really not sure why this hasn't been banned yet.
2:37 (2006):
Directed by Murali K. Thalluri. Six teenagers. One un-wanted pregnancy. One pressured student. One eating disorder. One outcast. One confident football player. And one drug-addict. When the clock strikes 2:37 one tragedy will unfold and effect each and every one of them.
Anyway. That took me quite a while to write up the little blurbs about each movie, but I did rather enjoy doing it.
Maybe books next time, huh?
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Caring Is Creepy
It really creeps me out when I'm on a bus, and I'm pretty much the only one on the bus, and then some random stranger comes and sits RIGHT NEXT TO ME. And I don't mean they're sitting on a seat thats rather close to mine when theres plenty of room throughout the entire bus, but I mean they come and sit on the seat which is right up against mine.
Like, why?
It's already awkward enough when you're sitting next to some stranger on a crowded bus and everytime the bus turns a corner you accidently touch them with your knee or something and they look at you funny. But when its just you and some stranger hip to hip in an empty bus? Creepy.
A really funny thing happened to me one time when I was on a bus, actually. I was sitting towards the back and this weirdo came and sat about three seats behind me. I was wearing a Sex Pistols: Nevermind The Bollocks shirt, and he obviously saw the writing on the back of the shirt, because he got up from his seat, sat in the one behind me, put his elbows up on the back of the seat I was leaning on and went "Sex Pistols, aye? Sid Vicious he killed that Nancy, he killed her".
Naturally, I turned around with a WTF expression on my face and this man proceded to tell me his ENTIRE life story. Did I ask? No.
I learnt about how he was on his way down to get a kebab because ever since his wife left him and won't let him see his daughter, a kebab on a Saturday morning is the only thing that has kept him sane. "Been doin' it for five years," He said. "Five looong years".
I really don't understand why he kept telling me this, because really, if you were there you would wonder how on earth he could NOT KNOW that I didn't care.
I finally got to my stop, got off the bus and kind of broke into a casual jog to get away from this creep faster, and I look into the bus window, and he's there WAVING AT ME.
Some people, I swear to God.
Like, why?
It's already awkward enough when you're sitting next to some stranger on a crowded bus and everytime the bus turns a corner you accidently touch them with your knee or something and they look at you funny. But when its just you and some stranger hip to hip in an empty bus? Creepy.
A really funny thing happened to me one time when I was on a bus, actually. I was sitting towards the back and this weirdo came and sat about three seats behind me. I was wearing a Sex Pistols: Nevermind The Bollocks shirt, and he obviously saw the writing on the back of the shirt, because he got up from his seat, sat in the one behind me, put his elbows up on the back of the seat I was leaning on and went "Sex Pistols, aye? Sid Vicious he killed that Nancy, he killed her".
Naturally, I turned around with a WTF expression on my face and this man proceded to tell me his ENTIRE life story. Did I ask? No.
I learnt about how he was on his way down to get a kebab because ever since his wife left him and won't let him see his daughter, a kebab on a Saturday morning is the only thing that has kept him sane. "Been doin' it for five years," He said. "Five looong years".
I really don't understand why he kept telling me this, because really, if you were there you would wonder how on earth he could NOT KNOW that I didn't care.
I finally got to my stop, got off the bus and kind of broke into a casual jog to get away from this creep faster, and I look into the bus window, and he's there WAVING AT ME.
Some people, I swear to God.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
American Movies and TV shows
Now, don't get me wrong - I love movies. American movies, Canadian movies, Australian movies, British movies, you name it.
But there are a few things about American movies and tv shows, in particular, that drive me insane.
1.) They never say goodbye on the telephone. It's like, midsentence - "Yeah okay man..." and then they hang up. But nobody seems to question this. They always just hang up aswell. HOW are you supposed to know its the end of a conversation? What if the reception cut out or something? How are you to know for sure?
2.) How people always seem to knock on other people's BEDROOM doors. Not often, especially in teenage movies & tv shows, will someone have to actually get up off their ass, go downstairs and answer the front door to let their friend in. The friend always seems to knock on the bedroom door. Who lets these people in the house?
3.) How if there is ever a scene which involves a skinny girl eating a cheeseburger, she always seems to take the TINIEST bite known to man, and then just holds the cheeseburger for the rest of the scene. You might as well have given her a lettuce leaf, at least it would look more realistic that way.
4.) This one comes up frequently, but it still annoys me - twenty-five year old kids and thirty-five year old parents? Honestly, cast younger actors.
5.) And the last one kind of works for any movie or tv show, and I understand why they do it, because otherwise they'd have to cast about 30 extra people, but why do the main characters of movies always seem to only have four or five friends? In real life, nobody hangs out with just four or five people. In real life, the majority of people have alot of friends. Maybe only a few close friends, but it always seems in movies that the characters only ever have like two friends.
Thats all I've got for now.
Just some things I got thinking about the other night while in the middle of a movie marathon XD
But there are a few things about American movies and tv shows, in particular, that drive me insane.
1.) They never say goodbye on the telephone. It's like, midsentence - "Yeah okay man..." and then they hang up. But nobody seems to question this. They always just hang up aswell. HOW are you supposed to know its the end of a conversation? What if the reception cut out or something? How are you to know for sure?
2.) How people always seem to knock on other people's BEDROOM doors. Not often, especially in teenage movies & tv shows, will someone have to actually get up off their ass, go downstairs and answer the front door to let their friend in. The friend always seems to knock on the bedroom door. Who lets these people in the house?
3.) How if there is ever a scene which involves a skinny girl eating a cheeseburger, she always seems to take the TINIEST bite known to man, and then just holds the cheeseburger for the rest of the scene. You might as well have given her a lettuce leaf, at least it would look more realistic that way.
4.) This one comes up frequently, but it still annoys me - twenty-five year old kids and thirty-five year old parents? Honestly, cast younger actors.
5.) And the last one kind of works for any movie or tv show, and I understand why they do it, because otherwise they'd have to cast about 30 extra people, but why do the main characters of movies always seem to only have four or five friends? In real life, nobody hangs out with just four or five people. In real life, the majority of people have alot of friends. Maybe only a few close friends, but it always seems in movies that the characters only ever have like two friends.
Thats all I've got for now.
Just some things I got thinking about the other night while in the middle of a movie marathon XD
Day In and Day Out
Does anybody ever get the feeling like it's not even a new day anymore? Like it feels like it just keeps on rolling?
You know, when you get up for work in the morning, work from 8:30-5, get home and it starts to get dark a couple hours later. You sit on the computer, watch some TV, eat dinner and eventually drift off to sleep. You wake up the next morning and do it all over again.
The entire five days of the week just starts to feel like one reeaaalllyyy long day repeating over and over.
But then... something exciting or different happens. And it hits you square in the face, right between the eyes and reminds you why you continue to get out of bed every morning. XD
You know, when you get up for work in the morning, work from 8:30-5, get home and it starts to get dark a couple hours later. You sit on the computer, watch some TV, eat dinner and eventually drift off to sleep. You wake up the next morning and do it all over again.
The entire five days of the week just starts to feel like one reeaaalllyyy long day repeating over and over.
But then... something exciting or different happens. And it hits you square in the face, right between the eyes and reminds you why you continue to get out of bed every morning. XD
Monday, March 9, 2009
And Tell Your Boyfriend, If He Says He's Got Beef That I'm a Vegetarian And I Ain't Fuckin' Scared Of Him...
I just felt like making a post today.
I don't really have alot to say, to be honest.
The weather is very strange these days. I don't quite understand it.
One day its like super hot and sunny and makes me want to go to the beach. And then the next day, its freezing cold and raining and even STORMING. I really wish it would make up its mind.
Okay, I actually sat there staring at the screen, typing something and then thinking "Uh, no, lets not mention that" or "No, that's not funny" or "I'm a complete and utter fool"
So I guess I'll just leave it be with WasteTimeChasingCar's music video for Dont Trust Me by 3Oh!3 because it's excellent XD
I don't really have alot to say, to be honest.
The weather is very strange these days. I don't quite understand it.
One day its like super hot and sunny and makes me want to go to the beach. And then the next day, its freezing cold and raining and even STORMING. I really wish it would make up its mind.
Okay, I actually sat there staring at the screen, typing something and then thinking "Uh, no, lets not mention that" or "No, that's not funny" or "I'm a complete and utter fool"
So I guess I'll just leave it be with WasteTimeChasingCar's music video for Dont Trust Me by 3Oh!3 because it's excellent XD
Thursday, March 5, 2009
"'I just won't sleep,' I decided. There were so many other interesting things to do." Jack Kerouac
Generally, when it comes to sleep, I am an epic failure.
I have to set myself six alarms in the morning. One for 6:00, 6:15, 6:30, 6:45, 7:00 and finally 7:30. And then, somehow, I still end up falling back to sleep.
I actually don't know what the hell is wrong with me.
This is a scenario that happens every morning:
So I'm lying there asleep and my alarm goes off, and by this time it's already 6:45 and I've slept through the first three alarms. And I'm like "Yesss, still have another 45 minutes until I have to get up" So then I fall back to sleep and I start to have a dream. I swear to God, this happens every morning. So I always end up having a really vivid dream that I don't really want to wake up from. So I don't. I'm asleep, and I can hear my alarm going off, but I somehow block it out because I want to keep having this dream.
And then my dad bursts into my bedroom going "CASSIE, IT's ten past eight!" - Excellent. I start work at 8:30.
I think I've screwed up my sleeping pattern so much over the past year or so. I don't seem to sleep at night on the weekends at all. And then I have long naps sometimes, which aren't too great for your sleeping pattern either (they say a nap should be no longer than 20 minutes).
And when you really think about it, as much as we love sleep, it's a real time waster.
I want to learn to live off less sleep. I want to be able to live comfortably on 4-5 hours sleep a night.
I just think it would be fantastic to learn to feel refreshed after only 4 or 5 hours sleep. Thats a 19 - 20 hour day. Think of how much more you could do and see.
And so, with the above in mind - the training begins...
I have to set myself six alarms in the morning. One for 6:00, 6:15, 6:30, 6:45, 7:00 and finally 7:30. And then, somehow, I still end up falling back to sleep.
I actually don't know what the hell is wrong with me.
This is a scenario that happens every morning:
So I'm lying there asleep and my alarm goes off, and by this time it's already 6:45 and I've slept through the first three alarms. And I'm like "Yesss, still have another 45 minutes until I have to get up" So then I fall back to sleep and I start to have a dream. I swear to God, this happens every morning. So I always end up having a really vivid dream that I don't really want to wake up from. So I don't. I'm asleep, and I can hear my alarm going off, but I somehow block it out because I want to keep having this dream.
And then my dad bursts into my bedroom going "CASSIE, IT's ten past eight!" - Excellent. I start work at 8:30.
I think I've screwed up my sleeping pattern so much over the past year or so. I don't seem to sleep at night on the weekends at all. And then I have long naps sometimes, which aren't too great for your sleeping pattern either (they say a nap should be no longer than 20 minutes).
And when you really think about it, as much as we love sleep, it's a real time waster.
I want to learn to live off less sleep. I want to be able to live comfortably on 4-5 hours sleep a night.
I just think it would be fantastic to learn to feel refreshed after only 4 or 5 hours sleep. Thats a 19 - 20 hour day. Think of how much more you could do and see.
And so, with the above in mind - the training begins...
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
You know what pisses me off?
You know in movies when someone is just like, chilling in their room and they've just had a fight with their boyfriend or whatever and they're really sad. And then theres a knock at their BEDROOM door and they're like "Go away, Jason" (for example) and Jason is like "No, please, open the door" and she's like "GO AWAY" and then he leaves.
The entire time, I'm sitting there thinking, "Okay, so they're in a fight... but why is he knocking on her bedroom door? Who the hell let this dude in the house?"
You need to learn to use your noggin.
Thanks and farewell.
The entire time, I'm sitting there thinking, "Okay, so they're in a fight... but why is he knocking on her bedroom door? Who the hell let this dude in the house?"
You need to learn to use your noggin.
Thanks and farewell.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Why?
Now, I'm sure that every single girl, (and some boys, perhaps) have been a victim to this before. And I am talking, of course, of the timely drive by, beeping of the horn, and someone yelling something inappropriate out the window at you.So, this happened to me this morning while I was walking back from the shops.
I had my iPod on so I couldn't exactly hear what he said, but he came past on the opposite side of the road, SLOWED DOWN, yelled something, cracked a creepy smile and winked, then proceded to drive away.What I find funny about this is that he was like, the same age as me or maybe a year or so older, and he wasn't at all unattractive. So why does he feel the need to yell innappropriately out the window at passers by? It's not like he's a desperate sixty year old, he could easily get some if he tried.Like, what does he expect will happen?
Hands up how many guys have done the above, and had the girl flash you or something similar? Yeah. None. It's not exactly flattering.The only reason a girl would respond in this way is if she was very drunk, extremely desperate or dared to.
However, the guy doesn't have to be drunk, desperate or dared to be a pig and yell out the window. He doesn't even have to be with his mates, sometimes it's just one guy alone in the car and he still does it to entertain himself.
You know what I would LOVE to see?I would love to see some guy alone in a car, have him yell something tasteless out the window at a girl, start driving away and have the car break down.Now THAT'S entertainment.
I had my iPod on so I couldn't exactly hear what he said, but he came past on the opposite side of the road, SLOWED DOWN, yelled something, cracked a creepy smile and winked, then proceded to drive away.What I find funny about this is that he was like, the same age as me or maybe a year or so older, and he wasn't at all unattractive. So why does he feel the need to yell innappropriately out the window at passers by? It's not like he's a desperate sixty year old, he could easily get some if he tried.Like, what does he expect will happen?
Hands up how many guys have done the above, and had the girl flash you or something similar? Yeah. None. It's not exactly flattering.The only reason a girl would respond in this way is if she was very drunk, extremely desperate or dared to.
However, the guy doesn't have to be drunk, desperate or dared to be a pig and yell out the window. He doesn't even have to be with his mates, sometimes it's just one guy alone in the car and he still does it to entertain himself.
You know what I would LOVE to see?I would love to see some guy alone in a car, have him yell something tasteless out the window at a girl, start driving away and have the car break down.Now THAT'S entertainment.
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