And I Turned Away, Of Course.

I’d really like to know what’s wrong with me sometimes.I’m not really sure what happened. A few months ago, I found myself entering a phase in my life where I felt extremely carefree and happy. I felt like something had miraculously changed within me shortly after I turned eighteen. It was like I had so much to look forward to, so much I wanted to experience. So much I wanted to learn, so many things I wanted to be able to teach others.
And I guess it didn’t turn out anything like I would have liked.
I mean, I had my chance to experience some incredible things, but also I suppose, things that I never want to experience again. I guess you could say that I made some mistakes, but I really don’t believe in regret.
I continued to enjoy this carefree, exciting life I was leading but only for a short time. I loved the way it made me so happy and invincible, but ignored how lonely and empty it made me. I built up some kind of wall to block out the negative feelings that I probably would have felt if I was in any kind of normal headspace.
If I ever felt like I missed the way things used to be, I would get angry at myself. I wouldn’t dare to let myself feel hurt over the past, present or future. Maybe for fear of the hurt, and maybe because I was being selfish.

Although, as time went forward, things eventually did change.
And I suppose in many ways, things are back the way they used to be before. But again in many other ways, things are not at all like they were before.
I don’t want to regret, nor do I want anything to change. I just wish I had listened then to the voice I refused to pay attention to.