For The First Time, I Understand.

It doesn't have to be hard. It doesn't have to be complicated. It doesn't have to be confusing. Some things are, but this doesn't have to be.

And it isn't. For the first time, it isn't hard. It's not complicated. I'm not confused.

It's perfect.

Freedom!

Freedom is something that is very important to me. It's as simple as deciding that you feel like walking down to the lake on a Saturday morning and having a coffee with the ducks, and not having to explain to anybody why you feel like doing that. It's staying awake until the sun comes up and walking across to the beach to watch it rise and not having anybody wanting to come with you. It's getting drunk and writing ridiculous things until 4:30 in the morning and nobody worrying about that.
Freedom, to me, really is as simple as that. I don't understand why it should be more complicated?

Yesterday's Last Year.

Waking up at 2:30PM on a Sunday, with that deep, rotten feeling in your gut that you've ruined your life a little more. Again. I don't want that anymore.

I know exactly what happened. I don't need a therapist or a fucking doctor to tell me that. I have a friend who is probably just about as lonely as I am, and we evened eachother out. He was good company for me. We were lonely and we lived under the same roof, and the story tells itself really.

I don't really talk to him too much anymore. I'm not really sure why.

Oh God, I can't handle this crap. I don't want to talk about myself anymore either.

Pass me another beer.

I'm very well aware that I could be an alcoholic.

I Feel Like I'm Just Meeting Different Versions of the Same People

I think I’m at a strange place in my life right now.
I often convince myself that I am happy to be alone. That I’m happy with the routine I have given myself and stuck to for the past couple of years. And most of the time it’s true. I like my own space and I like spending time on my own. I think that I am a fairly independent person, and I like living a simple life. I don’t need much at all.
But sometimes, and only sometimes, I do feel lonely.
I have a hard time meeting people, though. It’s not that I don’t get along with people, because I do, I get along with people fine. It’s just when I actually do meet people, and I’m getting to know them for the first time, it always seems so fake. I don’t want to sit there for two hours and have a conversation with somebody about what each of us do for a job, what we do in our spare time, how many brothers and sisters we have etc etc etc. It’s all so repetitive, and I feel like I’m just meeting different versions of the same people over and over again.
I find myself sitting there, not really giving a crap about what the other person is saying. I’m literally completely uninterested in other people.

And that's quite worrying, I'd say.

In The Way We Choose To Live It.

People think I'm stronger than I actually am. I feel like I have to live up to it or something. I don't feel stronger than anybody else.
I'm able to look past many things that many people can't, but I don't really think that has anything to do with being strong - I think it's just a state of mind. It's a state of mind that everybody has but not everybody grasps. They probably could if they wanted to, but they don't.
My mum died when I was fourteen. I know that it may have something to do with the person I am right now, but I have a hard time talking about it. I used to be able to talk about it with anybody, anytime, anywhere. But now I just don't really feel like I can. I just don't really want to. I seem to be having a hard time admitting things to myself right now, and I don't really understand why.
I used to be the kind of person who would get over people pretty quickly - I knew that what was done, was done and there wasn't anything I could do about it. These sorts of things happen every day and I needed to learn to grow the fuck up. But to be honest - it hurts more now because I can't talk about it. Because I don't have anything to really say about it. Because we don't even talk about it, so I don't want to talk to anybody else about it.
Because it pisses me off that I am even writing this, because it should be easier than this.
And it is. It is easier than this. In reality, but not in the way we choose to live it.

Everybody knows "Friends With Benefts" is Crap

I sat here for a few minutes, ready to pour out the situation here. But I can't do it.

Some things are better left unsaid and for sake of the fact that our friendship still remains because neither of us talk about it, I won't.

8:24pm

Sometimes, I wake up and wonder if my entire life is some kind of joke somebody is playing on me. It's not that there is anything particularly wrong with my life. I mean, I quite enjoy it to be honest. I live a life so simple, that I know for a fact that people around me can't understand. Or won't. I work five days a week in a job which may or may not actually have a future in it for me. Sure, there's places I want to get to - in my career, in life, in general. I'm not moving though. I'm not really getting anywhere in particular.
My living situations have changed dramatically over the past three years, but my post code remains the same. My job description has changed, but not my place of work. My debts have increased, but my assets haven't; I have nothing to show for the dent in my credit card other than an increased likeness for beer and a truck load of taxi receipts. I feel like I have been around the world as far as relationships go, to a point that being on my own really seems like the best option. Or at least, the easiest, less complicated option.
I'm quite happy living my life this way. I'm struggling however, to decide whether I'm happy with this because I get comfortable and somehow subconsciously make myself believe that I'm happy with it or if that's just it; I'm genuinely happy.
I know that thinking into these things too much won't really give me any insight, just a false sense of direction and a headache. But maybe it's worth writing it down sometimes. Maybe I need to write it down.