Change in the Weather

"I'll fuck it up, he'll fuck it up, or all of the elements of the universe will come together to fuck it up."

Ah, I should have known. I fucked it up.
That's a lie, I didn't necessarily fuck it up. I just did something silly. I said silly things, and I made accusations. Probably set expectations, too. Why do I feel the need to take something that's totally smooth-sailing and poke it and prod it and try and make it bad? Why the hell do I do that? Why can't I just fucking leave it alone. Stop worrying, stop falling apart, stop being a complete and utter idiot.

Stopping.

Sudden Movements

I wouldn't ever want to get rid of my memories. Because they're mine and they're real and they happened. The past helps shape the future. Without them, I'm simply a person standing in the middle of time with nothing behind me to hold me up. I wouldn't go back and change anything, no. I don't regret. There are certainly alot of things I would have preferred to have never happened, but no, I don't regret. Sometimes, however, the past is haunting. It's not always in a bad way either, until you find yourself in a situation where being constantly reminded of aspects from your past can get you in trouble. I mean, it can make you feel guilty.
I didn’t used to have a conscious. I really didn’t. If I did something cruel or unfair, or if I was keeping something from someone or lying, it wouldn’t keep me up at night. I refused to let myself feel guilty. But that was a while ago, and I was a child and I believed in things (except for, obviously, the truth.) It’s conniving and immature and evil, I suppose, lying so often. And enjoying it and missing it is worse.
But I mean, the past, it can make you feel guilty. It can have you lying to yourself. Reminders of the past can make you do stupid things, it can make you almost believe you’re back there in the moment again. When you’ve moved on, or when you’re trying to move on, it’s obviously far more efficient to leave the past in the past. To save yourself, I mean. And the people around you.
It’s hard though. It’s a skill, I suppose. To move on. To believe that you are moved on in order to reach the next point in your life, even if it may not be true. The power of the mind, yes?
Yes.

Dispersed.

When the flag came down, I was at the end of the world, the darkest corner of the ocean, the highest point on Earth, and I stopped. Moving, breathing, hoping, wishing, thinking, caring, worrying. I just stopped. Not purposely, that was just the way it was. And not literally, obviously. But I stopped. Tomorrow was just another day, yesterday was simply the past. I wasn’t going anywhere. I wasn’t happy and I wasn’t sad. Plateaued. Coming to terms with the fact that the sun will still rise tomorrow whether I want it to or not. Whether I hide or make the best of it, the day will still come.
It’s not an easy thing to admit (I admit), but sometimes you have to be vulnerable in order to let people in. Apparently. And I’m not sure if it’s supposed to be easy. I mean, I know it’s not supposed to be easy. But the funny thing is that it is. Easy, I mean. And if it is, it’s too good to be true right? Does that even exist? Something being too good to be true? I suppose not, though.
The fear just isn’t there. It normally is. Lingering in the back of my mind like it was a couple of weeks ago. But it’s dispersed. I don’t enjoy change. Any kind of change, really. Mood and psychological changes especially, but any change. I’m not scared, like I know I would normally be in the given situation. There could be a million fingers pointing at a million reasons why, but I think I know the truth. I’ll shrug it off because being dependant on people is a recipe for disaster, I’ve come to realise. But simply, it’s because of him.

The Giggler.

I met someone.
He’s… for lack of an even better word… amazing. I’m not going to bother going into any of the why’s and how’s and when’s and what’s. Not because I don’t like thinking about it or talking about it, because I do, but I’m kind of afraid you know.
You know when you meet someone, and it’s almost as if it’s too good to be true? So all that is in the back of your mind is, maybe it is. Maybe it is too good to be true.
It’s kind you find yourself getting ahead of yourself and the time and the situation, with this, rather blunt, stabbing and uncontrollable worry in the back of your mind like you’re going to fuck it up, or they’re going to fuck it up, or all of the elements of the universe will come together and fuck it up.
And as much as you can’t let your past, or past experiences, effect the way you look at the future, it’s virtually impossible not to, really. Because all you know is what you know already. Obviously.

I don’t believe in faith, as I have certainly mentioned before, so it’s hard to tell myself to just ‘have a little faith’.
I suppose trust can work though. I can trust. I mean… I can try to, at least.