Now that I’m actually happy, I kind of have this feeling like I was happier before.
It’s like the anticipation to becoming happy and getting what I want was better than actually settling down with it.
Because once you have it, then that means that you can also loose it. And perhaps the pain of letting it go early is easier than the pain of watching it slip away right before my eyes.
You see, I have this feeling like karma is out to get me all of the time.
I loved and lost, then I was blessed with a second chance. And now I feel like it’s all a set-up so that I can be knocked down harder than I knocked him.
I just always feel like I’m being taken for granted or I’m in some kind of one sided relationship where I need him and he’s just there because he can be.
And I hate the feeling of knowing that there are more important things. And that he’d rather relax and laugh with his friends and his chemicals in a dark smokey room seven days of the week. And my opinion means nothing, really.
I may be right or wrong, I suppose. I think I’m right.
I wish I were wrong.
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2 comments:
I spend my life in constant fear that everything is going to crash down around me. Everything seems to perfect, to have run to smoothly, it's like waiting for a countdown without ever seeing it.
You're such a beautiful writer.
x
Thank you so much Lee. That means alot, coming from you. You're such an amazing writer yourself.
And it really does help to know I'm not the only one, too :)
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