Basement

Draft from 02/07/25

There’s always been a secret in the basement. Dirty, ugly, unseen, slithering beneath our bed, hiding. Always hiding.

To wake up every day next to someone you love, someone you want to share your life with, your failures and your wins, make your own family with, support forever… when that person tells you that they have had a secret life behind your back, whether that be sexual or an addiction or whatever - it’s like your entire world is blown up and everything you thought you knew is no longer.

And then you forgive that person and choose to move on. And then you get worried sometimes and you ask them if it’s happening again and they say “of course it’s not! How could you think that!?!” and then you start to think something is wrong with YOU because YOU must be crazy, of course they’re not doing it, they learned their lesson they wouldn’t do it again!

And then eventually you find out that they were lying and you can’t trust your intuition anymore. You can’t trust yourself OR them. What do you even have left?

They promise that they can change and they ask for one last chance. Alright. You give them that chance, and an entire year passes and so much love and memories and happiness and you almost completely trust them again and you’re so happy you went against your better judgement and you gave them this chance! 

But alas - this time they even went a few steps further, and the world that you rebuilt brick by brick has now collapsed, and it’s crushing you, it’s crushing your ribs and your spine and your legs and you can’t run and you can’t breathe you’re just broken and crying and they just shrug and say “leave me then.”

And you want to want to. But you don’t want to. You don’t. You love them and you’ve build so much over the years but they are promising different things this time and they are committing to things they never have before. They are taking it more seriously, but what if - what if this is just another thing to look back on in a years time and regret falling for? What if this is just another nail in the coffin of the inevitable disappointment?

It hurt like hell to rebuild that world together, those bricks were heavy, and now they’re on top of you and you don’t have the energy to get up. It’s just not that easy this time. Too much has happened.

And he’s standing there, begging you to help him rebuild. “I can’t do it myself!” He barks. But you’re bleeding. And you’re hurt. And sometimes you get angry when you’re hurt because you just don’t know where this energy to rebuild is supposed to come from this time. You found it last time, and the time before, and the time before that, but this time is harder. Where is it?!?!? You can’t find it so easy this time. But he is sensitive, and he’s hurting that you’re not helping him, and you’re hurting that he’s not helping you. Stale mate.

You need more help this time. And the only person that can help you is him. Because why should you believe it’s different this time? There have been so many times. There have been SO many times.

You need him to come over to you, even if you are angry, and hold your face in his hands and let you know that everything really is going to be okay this time. You need him to help stitch and dress your wounds, even if you squirm and kick and resist. You need him to stay calm and strong and stoic - a man who knows what he has done, takes responsibility for it and knows how to fix it. But he doesn’t.

You need to know that the secret life he has had, the secret version of himself he has kept hidden, is not hidden anymore. You need to know that he has integrity. You need to know that he respects you enough to be honest even about the hard things. Even about the things that will hurt. But he doesn’t.

At the very least, you need to be able to be worried sometimes, and ask questions, and ask for reassurance, and be afraid it’s all happening again and be supported in your fears. Maybe you’re even mean sometimes but it comes from a place of fear, and have him know it. Have him hold you and tell you that your fears are valid, but they’re not true. It’s not happening. It won’t happen again. But he doesn’t.

You want it to work because you see this man - he’s almost 28 now but he was only 23 when you met - and he’s grown so much as person. He knows how to do silly fun better than the rest. He’s made you feel sexy in your mid-30s even though you have gained weight and don’t feel it at all. He’s embraced your family. He would do anything for your niece. He has an awesome family himself. He’s from a beautiful part of the world but chooses YOUR beautiful part of the world. You want it to work because you truly love him, and know you could love him at 50, at 60, at 80. You know you could still love him then. 

Could he still love you? Maybe. 

But could he love you the way you need him to? Could he make you feel seen, and appreciated, and cared for, and loved, and understood? Could you decide together rebuild your world, brick by brick all over again, and have it stand the test of time?

Could you feel like it’s the two of you against the world, or will there always be something beneath the surface, waiting to be uncovered? Will there always be a secret in the basement? Hiding. Always hiding.