Looking for Somebody (To Love)

I am feeling a little blocked. I haven't written in about three weeks - I was really on a roll there for a bit. Sometimes, I wonder when I find myself blocked whether I am actually blocked-blocked or whether my subconcious just doesn't want me to delve back into that world again. It's probably a bit of both. The intense period of writing that I did - 25k words in 3 weeks - really did send me into a bit of an episode of resurfaced grief that I didn't see coming. I know that I need to go back to that world soon, though. I owe it to myself to continue with the story and finish my draft. Sometimes I have dreams that are so vivid, I can't tell what was real and what wasn't. I recently had a dream that was so vivid but also so fuzzy at the same time. I didn't remember the exact words exchanged between myself and this person, however I knew the feeling that I had. The feeling that I had was worse than anything that probably could have been said. If this particular dream was reality, then there was a very good chance that I was going to lose my relationship, dignity, alot of people's respect... I was really quite truly afraid that something had happened. And the more that I thought about it, the more that I was kind of able to "make up" scenarios or "fill in gaps" where I couldn't remember, and I was really starting to obsess over it. I was almost positive that it was a false memory, but I was really scared to find out that it actually may have happened. Turns out, it must have been a false memory or a strangely vivid dream as I spoke with that person today and there was no indication that anything was amiss. I don't understand how I was able to convince myself that my false memory/dream was true. I have a long, long past history of making similar mistakes and I guess I am afraid that I'll do it again, when I'm inebriated and vulnerable. I honestly wouldn't put it past myself to do something like that again, however I really do hope that I am able to manage it so that it doesn't. I have been in that position way too many times in my life, and the feeling of knowing that you have really, really fucked up - like truly fucked up so badly - and there is nothing you can do to 'undo' it. There is no undo button, there is no backspace, there is only the guilt and the shame and the fight & flight mode continiously switched on, waiting to be found out, waiting to be ripped apart at the seams, and know I deserve it.