Shapeshift

 It was six weeks after my last breakup that I realised something. I realised exactly what I had been looking for all along - and it wasn't exactly what I had realised. I know for a fact that I like to look after people - as a woman, and especially as a woman who has experienced trauma in their life, it comes naturally for me to look after people around me, especially people that I care about. And even sometimes people that I don't even really care about that much, or know very well - I suppose that's empathy. But regardless of having this naturally nurturing quality about myself, I don't really want to be looking after a fully grown man.
I spend my entire working day looking after fully grown men. I tell them where to go, what to do, what to wear. I drive them to site if they can't get themselves there, I listen to them and support them through their own private battles even. But - I don't really want that in my private life. Not anymore. I don't want to take care of a fully grown man in a relationship. I want to get to be the one to get looked after. Of course, I'll be a pilar of support for them, I'll care about them, I'll cook and clean and do all the things - but only if it's reciprocated. I don't want to chase, I don't want to beg, I don't want to try and convince somebody that I am enough, I don't want to have to try and do more and more for them to try and get them to stay. I don't want to have to tell them how to look after me, or be the one to be initiating everything all the time.
I just want to have somebody else take the lead for once, please. 
I've come to realise how unattractive it is to me, a man that is not a man. By that, I don't mean not manly, per say - I just mean secure, stable, consistent, steady, supportive and generally interested. I just mean present. Mature. Knows what they want. I don't want to play games, I don't want somebody confused about what they want, I don't want somebody confusing me.
I don't want a situationship that turns into some kind of confusing relationship that tests my patience and my trust and my instincts for years, just to turn into a giant mess.