Chokehold

I haven't written in a month. Again. I am just using this as an exercise to free-write before I get back into my novel. It's been almost a month since I last contributed to it. I'm 63% of the way to my word-count goal. The only reason that I have a wordcount goal is that I know that I will end up under-writing it if I don't give myself a limit to reach for. I already know that I have so many plot holes and so many unexplained parts that need to be sorted out, and knowing me, I would probably just end up giving up if I didn't have some sort of end goal to reach. If the end goal is too open, too flexible, I won't get there. I just know myself. At 34, I have luckily learned from my quirks and short-comings - I don't expect to be able to change these things after all this time, however I can definately ride the wave by recognising my own signs. I feel like I was never really very good at that when I was younger. I used to just sort of go "oh, well, it is what it is, I am what I am, that's how it goes". I knew then that I knew myself and I couldn't change very easily - but once I got older I did start to realise that you can always recognise your own patterns and stop it in it's tracks. Life has been... busy. Full time work including a promotion, study, class, assignments, writing my novel and a new full-blown hobby of caring for and propogating houseplants. Imposter syndrome is pretty real for me at the moment, as far as work goes, but I've been trying my best to ignore it. I feel like I really don't even know what I'm doing but I am certainly trying. That's what matters, right? I like to believe so. I've had a circumstance of some people trying to tear me down, and that was quite a difficult thing to deal with for a while there. I just don't understand some people's thought pattern sometimes. I just want to make a good life for myself and my partner. Isn't that what we all want, ultimately? I am genuinely quite happy with my life at the moment. There are some pretty major things bubbling beneath the surface that is coming up regularly, but they are being worked on. I am trying to be understanding and forgiving, but I really am sick of riding the rollercoaster of deciet and lies. I know that the lies don't come from a place of malice, but it's bloody hard to fight your brain when it knows better, but wishes it didn't. I hope that this time round, something really will change.