Maybe the medication isn’t working. Maybe I’m just not working hard enough. Maybe I’m just not working, at all. Something isn’t right up there, in my brain.
I have a problem with alcohol and I’ve known that since I took my very first drink. But I don’t want to stop. I want to control it. My relationship with alcohol, I mean, is toxic. It’s not the alcohol that’s the problem, it’s me.
I need help but I also don’t want it. I’m almost 30 years old. How did that happen all of a sudden? I read back on these old posts and I’m 19 and struggling, and I’m in the same situation now, just 11 years on, still struggling.
I want all the things that everyone says they want out of a future, and it’s right there in front of me. I can smell it, I can taste it, I can see it.
But I’m holding myself back, because, well, change isn’t my favourite thing. At all. Change hurts my heart, my soul. It feels like somebody else is controlling me and tearing me apart. That’s how change feels. I’m out of control. And I don’t know why that is.
I’d almost rather be struggling and alone than have to get used to a different life, because it’s familiar. Regret, sadness, grief, anxiety and guilt is familiar. Happiness? That’s change. It’s unfamiliar and it hurts. It causes me to sabotage.
Yes, I know that’s fucked up.
